I felt so lightheaded in the morning so I had to eat something. I ate an apple with a little bit of dip. Im in love with the american dip. It's so good and it tastes good with everything!
I had a lot of errands to run so I didn't have time to think about food or eating until late afternoon. I knew I had to eat something before practice or otherwise I might have fainted. So I made carrot, tomato, potato soup. It was good and very low calorie.
At night I ate some red pepper with the beloved dip and a couple of cherries.
I biked for like 4-5 miles and had cheerleading for 2,5 hours. I also did 200 sit ups and 50 push ups. I might have to step it up a little cuz Im seeing NO results.
Day 9
This definitely isn't going as planned. I ate carrots, cherry tomatoes and cucumber slices for breakfast. Couple days ago I wasn't even eating breakfast!!! This is alarming!
I biked for about 30 mins or so and after I came home from a friends house I was actually feeling hungry! And I've been watching these Asian food programs and I was craving noodles! So I had to make myself a bowl of stir fried noodles with veggies and egg. But I ate two bowls instead of one! I don't care if it was a kid sized bowl, I still ate 2 bowls! Disgusting! How could I have done this to myself? As I look in the mirror all I see is fat fat and fat. My stomach has never looked bigger and all the progress I made was for nothing? This seriously sucks. And just to top it off, I have been craving cup cakes, chocolate, chocolate cake and cake batter for the entire day! This drives me nuts! Thank God I don't have any of the ingredients so I can't bake. That would just ruin it for good.
I don't know what I'm going to do on Monday when we will celebrate my sister's birthday and there will be cake and cookies and brownies and candy and everything sweet and good and tasty. I know if I take one bite of anything sweet or tasty, my heart will melt away and I won't be able stop. I could probably eat an entire chocolate cake by myself. Maybe this crash diet isn't working. But there's no other way to achieve that level of thinness that I desire. I wish someone would grab me by the shoulders, shake me and tell me that it doesn't matter how you look because you are perfect as you are. But nobody knows the pain I feel.
Why can't I look like this?
Please, do think thice what you are doing. You're on a straight path to get anorexic. I've been facing this terrifying illness for five years. And yes, I probably have the body you are dreaming of. But it's not worth it. Nothing is worth feeling so numb, depressed and exhausted in every moment of your life. And thinking about death as of the only way to escape from this horror...
VastaaPoistaIf you need help or just a talk, maybe some comforting, mail me [en_retard@wp.pl]. And I'm really sorry for the mistakes, but English is not my native language ;)